Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. I couldn't have felt less excited even if I tried. The people I wanted to celebrate with were either at college, at work, or in another country. Since I was little I planned on going out with my friends Hannah and Chloe. Unfortunately Chloe now lives in Austria. And well, Hannah had her one day off so I didn't wanna bother her with that.
I'm single so it's not like I had a boyfriend to celebrate with. So instead, I went to lunch with my grandmother from my dad's side. Then I had dinner with my family. Today I'm going to a movie and dinner with my grandmother from my mom's side. So I've been spending a large amount of time with my family.
It's driving me crazy!
I decided I want to go to Austria and visit Chloe. But, I have to talk to her about it first. But a week [or two?] in another country with my best friend? How amazing would that be? I would love it! So, I've been saving my money because all I want is to see her. I just hope her parents would allow it. [And mine...] I just need to find out some details. So, Chloe, if you read this, we need to talk! lol. :]
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"I feel so unsure as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor..."
Since graduation the summer seemed to be going so slowly. But now, it's nearing September and it's going way to fast. I'm starting to realize what's going to happen. I'm unsure of what to do now. Let me start with this...
Since the summer after eleventh grade, Mara and I became nearly inseperable. We hung out every chance we got. Coldstone adventures, mall trips, bourbon chicken at the mall, and Walmart. School began, we saw each other in the morning and after school we would hang out. Second semester, we had classes together. Left school early almost everyday to go out and hang out. Now, she's going off to KU and I'm staying here in Exeter. I'm sad and scared of how it's going to be when she leaves. I know I'm going to have some seperation anxiety.
Tina is going to a college a few hours away, so I won't be able to see her until her school breaks and such. I'm going to miss her like crazy. We've been really close since Creative Expressions. Trips to the Renaissance Faire and prom '08 and '09. Midnight bowling. So much fun with her. She's my "Timmy" and I'm her "Glompy." I know that when she leaves, I'm going to be really sad.
I have a job. So that will occupy some of my time. But my job is in the mall. It depresses me to go into work. One co-worker, Kim, annoys the hell out of me. Sarah isn't bad, she's funny. Connie, I never work with her and I'm okay with that. Jackie, I don't really know yet. But, at work I have to watch people with their friends or loved ones and I feel rather alone.
I'm single again. I seriously don't think I'm going to find that "special someone." I came close a few times but it's never worked out. I've become more interested in someone but I don't know if I should go after that person or not. Also, Brandon says he loves me. I believe him. I really do. It's just that he's in Canada. There is no way I'm moving to Canada. And he's not going to move to the States. So I don't know right now. I'm not sure where to turn.
The person I mentioned, the one I've become more interested in, is Kam. Well, we have a bit of a past. No, we haven't dated but he does play a special role in my life. He might not know it, but he does. He's not the "relationship guy." He doesn't do the whole "dating" thing. He's not into that. Which is why I don't go after him. I'm hesitant as it is to hang out with him. He can be such an asshole. But I know he cares, at least a little bit. There's just something about him that draws me in. I wish I knew what it was.
Home life isn't that wonderful. I realized recently we're not much of a family anymore. We're more like five strangers who just happen to live in the same house. I'm working and if I'm not working I'm either asleep or with Mara. My sister is always out with her friends. My brother is always with his girlfriend or hiding in his room with video games. My parents are always working or upstairs in their room or Dad is working on his car. I can't remember the last time ALL five of us sat down for dinner together, and that depresses me.
I don't really know where to turn from here but I hope I figure it out soon. I really do. I don't like being this lost.
Ps. The title is a lyric from Careless Whisper by George Michael from WHAM. I like the Seether version better though.
Since the summer after eleventh grade, Mara and I became nearly inseperable. We hung out every chance we got. Coldstone adventures, mall trips, bourbon chicken at the mall, and Walmart. School began, we saw each other in the morning and after school we would hang out. Second semester, we had classes together. Left school early almost everyday to go out and hang out. Now, she's going off to KU and I'm staying here in Exeter. I'm sad and scared of how it's going to be when she leaves. I know I'm going to have some seperation anxiety.
Tina is going to a college a few hours away, so I won't be able to see her until her school breaks and such. I'm going to miss her like crazy. We've been really close since Creative Expressions. Trips to the Renaissance Faire and prom '08 and '09. Midnight bowling. So much fun with her. She's my "Timmy" and I'm her "Glompy." I know that when she leaves, I'm going to be really sad.
I have a job. So that will occupy some of my time. But my job is in the mall. It depresses me to go into work. One co-worker, Kim, annoys the hell out of me. Sarah isn't bad, she's funny. Connie, I never work with her and I'm okay with that. Jackie, I don't really know yet. But, at work I have to watch people with their friends or loved ones and I feel rather alone.
I'm single again. I seriously don't think I'm going to find that "special someone." I came close a few times but it's never worked out. I've become more interested in someone but I don't know if I should go after that person or not. Also, Brandon says he loves me. I believe him. I really do. It's just that he's in Canada. There is no way I'm moving to Canada. And he's not going to move to the States. So I don't know right now. I'm not sure where to turn.
The person I mentioned, the one I've become more interested in, is Kam. Well, we have a bit of a past. No, we haven't dated but he does play a special role in my life. He might not know it, but he does. He's not the "relationship guy." He doesn't do the whole "dating" thing. He's not into that. Which is why I don't go after him. I'm hesitant as it is to hang out with him. He can be such an asshole. But I know he cares, at least a little bit. There's just something about him that draws me in. I wish I knew what it was.
Home life isn't that wonderful. I realized recently we're not much of a family anymore. We're more like five strangers who just happen to live in the same house. I'm working and if I'm not working I'm either asleep or with Mara. My sister is always out with her friends. My brother is always with his girlfriend or hiding in his room with video games. My parents are always working or upstairs in their room or Dad is working on his car. I can't remember the last time ALL five of us sat down for dinner together, and that depresses me.
I don't really know where to turn from here but I hope I figure it out soon. I really do. I don't like being this lost.
Ps. The title is a lyric from Careless Whisper by George Michael from WHAM. I like the Seether version better though.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Good Thing We're Fools
**note**
I did not write the following dialogue. It's by someone on deviantART and I just had to post it. Why? Because I love it. So all credit for it goes to "=Corina90" from deviantART.
**end note**
“I think I might love you.”
“I think that’s a stupid thing to say, why would you say something like that?”
“Because when you look at me my toes curl and my stomach flutters.”
“Is that a quote from a book?”
“No. I don’t think so. I don’t know. It all gets a little mixed up sometimes.”
“So you love me like they love in books.”
“Question or statement?”
“Your choice.”
“Question, then. And, yes. I love you like Scarlett loves Rhett, like Elizabeth loves Mr. Darcy, like-”
“Stop, just stop. Don’t love me like that. What happens after the last page?”
“We continue on loving like happily-ever-forever.”
“No, we’d drop off, we'd end. Love isn’t static, it doesn’t continue in a flat line. Who can carry the same tune for years? We rise, we fall, we bump arms and step on each other’s toes. I’ll annoy you because I can’t stand going to Christmas parties and you’ll piss me off because you take an hour to get ready to go grocery shopping. We aren’t a book.”
“So how would you like me to love you then?”
“I don’t. Didn’t I just say I’ll annoy you? You shouldn’t love me, it’s a poor life choice.”
“What if I said it was too late?”
“I’d say that’s a shame. But I’d also say that if you have to love me, love me like the moon. Love me when I’m cursing at the GPS because it took me to the-middle-of-nowhere when I clearly said to take me to California. Love me when I’m sitting in wrinkled jeans and a stained shirt that I Febreezed and called clean. Love me when I forgot what you said, forgot your birthday and remembered the stats of the last game. Love me when I wax, love me when I wane. Love me then.”
“Alright. And what about me? How will you love me?”
“I’ll love you like the tides. I’ll love you when you’re sitting in the middle of a million shoes complaining that none will work. I’ll love you when you forget to check the oil, forgot to fill the gas tank, forgot to roll up the windows when you parked. I’ll love you when you burn dinner, when you won’t get off the phone, when you cry at a movie you’ve seen twenty times before. I’ll love you during the low tides, during the high. I’ll love you then”
“And during which will you remember that love is a fool’s choice?”
“Oh, I’ll always remember. But I’m a fool. Remember?”
I did not write the following dialogue. It's by someone on deviantART and I just had to post it. Why? Because I love it. So all credit for it goes to "=Corina90" from deviantART.
**end note**
“I think I might love you.”
“I think that’s a stupid thing to say, why would you say something like that?”
“Because when you look at me my toes curl and my stomach flutters.”
“Is that a quote from a book?”
“No. I don’t think so. I don’t know. It all gets a little mixed up sometimes.”
“So you love me like they love in books.”
“Question or statement?”
“Your choice.”
“Question, then. And, yes. I love you like Scarlett loves Rhett, like Elizabeth loves Mr. Darcy, like-”
“Stop, just stop. Don’t love me like that. What happens after the last page?”
“We continue on loving like happily-ever-forever.”
“No, we’d drop off, we'd end. Love isn’t static, it doesn’t continue in a flat line. Who can carry the same tune for years? We rise, we fall, we bump arms and step on each other’s toes. I’ll annoy you because I can’t stand going to Christmas parties and you’ll piss me off because you take an hour to get ready to go grocery shopping. We aren’t a book.”
“So how would you like me to love you then?”
“I don’t. Didn’t I just say I’ll annoy you? You shouldn’t love me, it’s a poor life choice.”
“What if I said it was too late?”
“I’d say that’s a shame. But I’d also say that if you have to love me, love me like the moon. Love me when I’m cursing at the GPS because it took me to the-middle-of-nowhere when I clearly said to take me to California. Love me when I’m sitting in wrinkled jeans and a stained shirt that I Febreezed and called clean. Love me when I forgot what you said, forgot your birthday and remembered the stats of the last game. Love me when I wax, love me when I wane. Love me then.”
“Alright. And what about me? How will you love me?”
“I’ll love you like the tides. I’ll love you when you’re sitting in the middle of a million shoes complaining that none will work. I’ll love you when you forget to check the oil, forgot to fill the gas tank, forgot to roll up the windows when you parked. I’ll love you when you burn dinner, when you won’t get off the phone, when you cry at a movie you’ve seen twenty times before. I’ll love you during the low tides, during the high. I’ll love you then”
“And during which will you remember that love is a fool’s choice?”
“Oh, I’ll always remember. But I’m a fool. Remember?”
Thursday, August 6, 2009
these small hours, these little wonders
The parents are being silly. They're mad I'm never home to clean my room or do chores, because I'm at work. So I took a day off so I could clean my room and they yelled at me for not working! It makes generally no sense. And, my mother has gone off the deep end. Ever since I graduated, she's gotten more and more crazy. I understand that when me or my sister goes somewhere, she'd like us to check in once in a while, or call when plans change. Well a few nights ago, my sister was supposed to stay at a friends. But instead, she came home. My mom yelled at her for coming home without calling because her plans changed. Now, I could understand it if she was to stay at someone else's house other than the original friend, but to be yelled at for coming home? My mother has gone crazy!
Work is a drag. I hate it. I mean it's okay when there is something to do. Or when I'm not just standing there bored to tears. But my co-workers annoy me and I just don't like the job. I miss wearing jeans and sneakers. I miss t-shirts! Ugh it sucks. I want a different job bit wit would be the same situation anywhere unless I got hired at Hot Topic or something. *sigh* Stupid dress code bullshit. Mer.
I didn't get to talk to Chris today because I worked. Stupid job. I miss him. Hopefully I'll get the chance to talk to him tomorrow at some point. :] We were having a very interesting conversation before he had to go to bed the other day. Hehe and I'd greatly appreciate finishing said conversation. Also, I need to convince him to send me a picture of him. He says he doesn't do pictures. He won't "pose." He says pictures are moments in time, not poses. Which, sometimes, I agree with. But I would like to have a picture of my boyfriend as my phone background or something! Sheesh.
The other day, Ian's facebook status was "your permanent record is a myth, just like the Lochness monster, or North Dakota" and I immediately knew it was from Jimmy Neutron. [Because I am a dork like that.] And so, I commented it saying who said it. Ian told me he was so bored he was watching pointless cartoons and I argued that Jimmy Neutron wasn't pointless. I learned a lot about science from that show. Lol. I imagined Ian to be rolling his eyes at me.
My 18th birthday is coming up. I'm really excited. Well, not that there's much of a reason to be. I mean, I already buy lottery tickets thanks to Turkey Hill not carding. I'm not getting married so I don't need to be 18 for that. The only other thing I could possibly think of is cigarettes. Which are gross. Strip clubs got changed to being 21. So, meh, nothing special about being 18. Oh wait, I can stay out passed eleven. Big deal. I already do that too. I guess what I'm excited most about, is I can do shit, even if my mother says no. I'll just tell dad I'm going out and to leave the keep in the hiding spot. I think I like the idea of that kind of freedom. I just need to be prepared for the consequences and responsibilities of becoming an adult. Fun.
Lately, I've been having insomnia issues. I can't fall asleep for more than an hour. Or, when I do, I feel even more exhausted when I wake up. And normally, I wake up in pain. It really sucks. My neck tends to hurt and my back. I know it's due to the fact that I sleep on a mattress on the floor, but still. This is a bit much! I would like to be able to sleep more. I mean I'm exhausted and I still can't sleep. I'll have to try to force my body to sleep... again. Ugh.
Oh! I remembered why I can't wait until I turn 18. I'm eligable for my license then! I already have my permit. I'm not too bad of a driver. Once I learn everything, I'm going for my license. Woot! Then I'll be able to leave whenever! Dad's giving me the Honda once I get my license. So I'll have a car, a job, my license, and freedom. Now tell me, doesn't that sound amazing?
Well lovies, I'm off to force myself to sleep so I can have enough sleep before work tomorrow. I shall update soon! <3
P.S. Is it just me, or do boys get really sweet when they know they screwed up somehow? Will post about that later.
Work is a drag. I hate it. I mean it's okay when there is something to do. Or when I'm not just standing there bored to tears. But my co-workers annoy me and I just don't like the job. I miss wearing jeans and sneakers. I miss t-shirts! Ugh it sucks. I want a different job bit wit would be the same situation anywhere unless I got hired at Hot Topic or something. *sigh* Stupid dress code bullshit. Mer.
I didn't get to talk to Chris today because I worked. Stupid job. I miss him. Hopefully I'll get the chance to talk to him tomorrow at some point. :] We were having a very interesting conversation before he had to go to bed the other day. Hehe and I'd greatly appreciate finishing said conversation. Also, I need to convince him to send me a picture of him. He says he doesn't do pictures. He won't "pose." He says pictures are moments in time, not poses. Which, sometimes, I agree with. But I would like to have a picture of my boyfriend as my phone background or something! Sheesh.
The other day, Ian's facebook status was "your permanent record is a myth, just like the Lochness monster, or North Dakota" and I immediately knew it was from Jimmy Neutron. [Because I am a dork like that.] And so, I commented it saying who said it. Ian told me he was so bored he was watching pointless cartoons and I argued that Jimmy Neutron wasn't pointless. I learned a lot about science from that show. Lol. I imagined Ian to be rolling his eyes at me.
My 18th birthday is coming up. I'm really excited. Well, not that there's much of a reason to be. I mean, I already buy lottery tickets thanks to Turkey Hill not carding. I'm not getting married so I don't need to be 18 for that. The only other thing I could possibly think of is cigarettes. Which are gross. Strip clubs got changed to being 21. So, meh, nothing special about being 18. Oh wait, I can stay out passed eleven. Big deal. I already do that too. I guess what I'm excited most about, is I can do shit, even if my mother says no. I'll just tell dad I'm going out and to leave the keep in the hiding spot. I think I like the idea of that kind of freedom. I just need to be prepared for the consequences and responsibilities of becoming an adult. Fun.
Lately, I've been having insomnia issues. I can't fall asleep for more than an hour. Or, when I do, I feel even more exhausted when I wake up. And normally, I wake up in pain. It really sucks. My neck tends to hurt and my back. I know it's due to the fact that I sleep on a mattress on the floor, but still. This is a bit much! I would like to be able to sleep more. I mean I'm exhausted and I still can't sleep. I'll have to try to force my body to sleep... again. Ugh.
Oh! I remembered why I can't wait until I turn 18. I'm eligable for my license then! I already have my permit. I'm not too bad of a driver. Once I learn everything, I'm going for my license. Woot! Then I'll be able to leave whenever! Dad's giving me the Honda once I get my license. So I'll have a car, a job, my license, and freedom. Now tell me, doesn't that sound amazing?
Well lovies, I'm off to force myself to sleep so I can have enough sleep before work tomorrow. I shall update soon! <3
P.S. Is it just me, or do boys get really sweet when they know they screwed up somehow? Will post about that later.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I May Never Know.
Lately I have been asking myself the same question over and over. "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" To elaborate, I must take you back in time a bit. Two years ago, I met this boy named Ian. At first I saw Ian as nothing more than a friend. Someone to talk to when I needed to vent or something. He was dating a girl named Taina at the time and he would tell me about how he basically hated her. [Way too much to explain there.]
Of course, I was there when he needed to bitch or rant or something. I mean, what are friends for? But then things got complicated. I grew feelings for him. Now, I'm not the type of girl who will steal a guy from another girl. So I waited. Ian and Taina broke up and I kinda inched my way into Ian's heart. April 27, 2007 - I asked him out and he said yes. Thus began the days that would affect my life to this day. It started out with us talking every day online for hours on end. Then, when one of us had to sign offline, we would talk on the phone for hours as well. I guess you could say we never got tired of each other. We talked about everything. From how our days were going to gummybears and marshmallow crowns.
May rolled around and one day Ian and I were talking and he said he loved me. Now, this was the first time he said it to me. I was ready to tell him I loved him as well, and I did. Most people would ask "how do you know that you loved him after about a month?" And quite honestly, I have no idea. I just knew. To explain a bit more, Ian lives in Massachusetts and I live in Pennsylvania. So I never saw him. And I really, really wanted to. I told him this and he promised that on June 9th [the day after school ended for me] he would come down and visit for a while. Of course, I was happy about this. I asked my mother if that was okay, and she said it was. I was excited, but nervous.
June rolled around and I got even more nervous. So, to calm my nerves, I had my friend Hannah spend the night on the 8th so that I wasn't alone the next day. Ian hadn't called me at all that day. I kinda figured it was because he was busy getting ready for the next day. Hannah and I woke up early the next day and waited at the house all day. I tried calling Ian but there was no answer. We still waited and it ended up being around six pm when I called again. This time, Ian answered. He was at home. He told me he couldn't come down because he didn't have a car anymore. I said it was fine, but of course I was a little disappointed.
Our relationship still grew and I found myself falling more in love with Ian with each day that passed. School started in August and things got a little rocky for us, but we pulled through. Then October 3rd, 2007 - I was at the Rennaissance Faire with my Brit Lit class. I was texting Ian all day. We got to talking about our futures and the next thing I knew, I was staring at a text message that asked me to marry him. Part of me says it's because I was a naive teenager, but the rest of me says it's because I loved him, I said yes.
Then it all went to hell.
Ian disappeared. He stopped calling and he was never online. He never got any of my calls or messages. I was getting more and more depressed the more he was gone. November rolled around and he was online and I messaged him. We talked and he said he missed me and he loved me. And he promised to visit me for Christmas. He told me that all he wanted for Christmas was me. [Cute, isn't it?] Well, once again, Ian pulled his disappearing trick. No phone calls, texts, or IMs. I kept calling and calling. Nothing. Then Christmas Eve I called again. Finally! An answer. I asked him whether or not he was coming for Christmas still. He said yes.
He never showed.
I was upset and disappointed again. But I got over it. Time went on and Ian was barely there. Then February came around. It was February 10th when Ian showed up again... with a fiance, that wasn't me. He told me that he and I had broken up in October. [Where was I for this?] He said that I was the one who disappeared and that while I was "gone" he had time to get over "it." IT. As if "we" were nothing to him! I was on his myspace a few days later, just looking at it. Then I saw his new girl, she was beautiful. I also found that he had spend Christmas with her. Can you imagine the heartbreak I felt at that moment? It was nearly unbearable. So I backed off.
Many months later, I decided enough was enough, I could talk to him again. And go figure, he was engaged again. TO SOMEONE ELSE. I don't know why it still bothered me, but it did. But I didn't let it keep me from being friends with him again. We talked a lot, but not as much as we once did. Him and his fiance broke up and I was there when he needed a friend to chat with. But once again, all those feelings for him that I had locked away came back. And I told him. He called me a liar. And that made me angry. Of all things in the world, I would never lie about my feelings for someone. Ever.
But then Ian met Chelsea. This was not long after I told him I still loved him. Of course, hearing this, I backed off a bit and went back to being his friend. Which now brings us to now. Ian is still with Chelsea. In fact, they got engaged recently. And I'm not going to lie, it still hurts. It's two years later and I'm still broken from that. Now don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see that Ian is finally happy with someone and I really hope that this lasts for him. I've started to get to know Chelsea lately and I think that she's great for him. At first I wanted to hate her because she is with Ian, but I can't hate her. She hasn't done me wrong. She just happens to have the one thing I've wanted since I was fifteen going on sixteen.
I can admit that I love Ian and I probably always will. But one day I hope to find someone who brought me just as much happiness as he did. And this is what brought me to the original reason for this post. I look at Ian's facebook from time to time [and now Chelsea's] and I see messages to each other like "I love you and I miss you. I can't wait to be in your arms again" and such. And it breaks my heart knowing that used to be me. I used be the girl he was in love with. I often wish I could go back in time and change how things turned out, but I can't.
So, why do I put myself through the torture of watching him love someone else, when I can hardly bear it? Why do I put myself in that situation where I have to pretend that I'm okay? I know that I will never have the chance to be with him again, and part of me is okay with that. The other wants to scream and cry and just have a hissy-fit. After the broken promises, the heart-shattering moment, the endless hours of crying over him, I still love him. Why? I may never know the answer.
Of course, I was there when he needed to bitch or rant or something. I mean, what are friends for? But then things got complicated. I grew feelings for him. Now, I'm not the type of girl who will steal a guy from another girl. So I waited. Ian and Taina broke up and I kinda inched my way into Ian's heart. April 27, 2007 - I asked him out and he said yes. Thus began the days that would affect my life to this day. It started out with us talking every day online for hours on end. Then, when one of us had to sign offline, we would talk on the phone for hours as well. I guess you could say we never got tired of each other. We talked about everything. From how our days were going to gummybears and marshmallow crowns.
May rolled around and one day Ian and I were talking and he said he loved me. Now, this was the first time he said it to me. I was ready to tell him I loved him as well, and I did. Most people would ask "how do you know that you loved him after about a month?" And quite honestly, I have no idea. I just knew. To explain a bit more, Ian lives in Massachusetts and I live in Pennsylvania. So I never saw him. And I really, really wanted to. I told him this and he promised that on June 9th [the day after school ended for me] he would come down and visit for a while. Of course, I was happy about this. I asked my mother if that was okay, and she said it was. I was excited, but nervous.
June rolled around and I got even more nervous. So, to calm my nerves, I had my friend Hannah spend the night on the 8th so that I wasn't alone the next day. Ian hadn't called me at all that day. I kinda figured it was because he was busy getting ready for the next day. Hannah and I woke up early the next day and waited at the house all day. I tried calling Ian but there was no answer. We still waited and it ended up being around six pm when I called again. This time, Ian answered. He was at home. He told me he couldn't come down because he didn't have a car anymore. I said it was fine, but of course I was a little disappointed.
Our relationship still grew and I found myself falling more in love with Ian with each day that passed. School started in August and things got a little rocky for us, but we pulled through. Then October 3rd, 2007 - I was at the Rennaissance Faire with my Brit Lit class. I was texting Ian all day. We got to talking about our futures and the next thing I knew, I was staring at a text message that asked me to marry him. Part of me says it's because I was a naive teenager, but the rest of me says it's because I loved him, I said yes.
Then it all went to hell.
Ian disappeared. He stopped calling and he was never online. He never got any of my calls or messages. I was getting more and more depressed the more he was gone. November rolled around and he was online and I messaged him. We talked and he said he missed me and he loved me. And he promised to visit me for Christmas. He told me that all he wanted for Christmas was me. [Cute, isn't it?] Well, once again, Ian pulled his disappearing trick. No phone calls, texts, or IMs. I kept calling and calling. Nothing. Then Christmas Eve I called again. Finally! An answer. I asked him whether or not he was coming for Christmas still. He said yes.
He never showed.
I was upset and disappointed again. But I got over it. Time went on and Ian was barely there. Then February came around. It was February 10th when Ian showed up again... with a fiance, that wasn't me. He told me that he and I had broken up in October. [Where was I for this?] He said that I was the one who disappeared and that while I was "gone" he had time to get over "it." IT. As if "we" were nothing to him! I was on his myspace a few days later, just looking at it. Then I saw his new girl, she was beautiful. I also found that he had spend Christmas with her. Can you imagine the heartbreak I felt at that moment? It was nearly unbearable. So I backed off.
Many months later, I decided enough was enough, I could talk to him again. And go figure, he was engaged again. TO SOMEONE ELSE. I don't know why it still bothered me, but it did. But I didn't let it keep me from being friends with him again. We talked a lot, but not as much as we once did. Him and his fiance broke up and I was there when he needed a friend to chat with. But once again, all those feelings for him that I had locked away came back. And I told him. He called me a liar. And that made me angry. Of all things in the world, I would never lie about my feelings for someone. Ever.
But then Ian met Chelsea. This was not long after I told him I still loved him. Of course, hearing this, I backed off a bit and went back to being his friend. Which now brings us to now. Ian is still with Chelsea. In fact, they got engaged recently. And I'm not going to lie, it still hurts. It's two years later and I'm still broken from that. Now don't get me wrong, I'm glad to see that Ian is finally happy with someone and I really hope that this lasts for him. I've started to get to know Chelsea lately and I think that she's great for him. At first I wanted to hate her because she is with Ian, but I can't hate her. She hasn't done me wrong. She just happens to have the one thing I've wanted since I was fifteen going on sixteen.
I can admit that I love Ian and I probably always will. But one day I hope to find someone who brought me just as much happiness as he did. And this is what brought me to the original reason for this post. I look at Ian's facebook from time to time [and now Chelsea's] and I see messages to each other like "I love you and I miss you. I can't wait to be in your arms again" and such. And it breaks my heart knowing that used to be me. I used be the girl he was in love with. I often wish I could go back in time and change how things turned out, but I can't.
So, why do I put myself through the torture of watching him love someone else, when I can hardly bear it? Why do I put myself in that situation where I have to pretend that I'm okay? I know that I will never have the chance to be with him again, and part of me is okay with that. The other wants to scream and cry and just have a hissy-fit. After the broken promises, the heart-shattering moment, the endless hours of crying over him, I still love him. Why? I may never know the answer.
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