Kaytee In Her Own Mind

Twenty Weeks.♥

2012-01-21T15:19:00.001-08:00

I'm halfway through my pregnancy. :D

Ugh;

2012-01-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

I have every right to feel insecure.
You made me this way.

Baby Names;

2012-01-02T20:01:00.001-08:00

I have finally decided on baby names.

Boy: Braeden Hunter

Girl: Raelynn Savannah

I'm so excited! :D

Emotional;

2011-12-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

I know it's most likely my hormones going crazy from my pregnancy, but... I'm just unsure what to do anymore. A year ago, I would have never gone for this. Have I really become this weak - this pathetic? Have I seriously lost my backbone? I used to yell at my friends for doing exactly what I'm doing now. And, I don't have the mentality to change the situation. I keep crawling back. Why?

2011-12-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU

Christmas Eve and Memories;

2011-12-24T14:43:00.001-08:00

For me, Christmas Eve is the day to reminisce on the past. It doesn't matter if it's a depressing memory, a happy memory, or just a random moment in time. I usually think of past holidays or past relationships. This year, most of my memories are about Brina.

Today, memories of last Christmas flooded through my brain. Last year I spent Christmas with my ex boyfriend Randy and my family. We spent the morning opening gifts. Just my sister, parents and me. Around 2:30, we picked Randy up from his house and headed down to my aunt's house for Christmas dinner. It was the first time they were all meeting Randy. It was also the day I figured out that he was cheating on me. Figures, right? Thankfully, Brina saved me and cheered me up. I spent every day after Christmas with her and her family. This led me to my next memory.

New Year's Eve with the Grande's. This, was probably the best New Year's I've ever had. Brina and I started out at my house for dinner with my family and a family friend. We laughed, joked around, and I drank a little bit with my mom. Around 9 or so, we drove to Brina's house. We ate a little bit there and played some games. We all got cards, even me! It was so amazing being part of their family. I was nearly in tears. I felt more at home with Brina and her family than with my own. After midnight, when the parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents went to bed... us kids decided to play beer pong. None of us like beer so we played with Boone's Farm Coolers. One, they are nasty - especially Cherry. Two, I have better aim when I'm tipsy. Odd. Then Brina and I stumbled and giggled our way into bed.

About a week after New Years, Brina and I went on a road trip to Massachusetts. We met one of her friends and we got to see UMass Amherst. Which, became the college we both wanted to attend. That dream would change but in that moment, we wanted to move to Massachusetts. It was beautiful up there. We took so many pictures during that trip. We found Waldo, a "dangerous chair", and a really excited face that said "look at dem outlitz." It was fantastic.

I thought about more of the good times we shared. I thought about the scary moments we shared together. Then, I thought about the memories I wish I could change. I won't go into those. After all the memories started to fade from my thoughts, I thought about the last two or three days. Brina and I have been having some pretty good conversations. None of them were hateful - this brings me a happiness I can't explain. I enjoy talking to her. We could talk about any subject and I would be content. Really.

I enjoy Christmastime. I enjoy spending time with my family and my friends. I enjoy the good mood I'm in during the holidays. :]

College;

2011-12-23T18:18:00.001-08:00

I start classes in January.

I finally got my ass back in school.

I dropped out of college two years ago.

It's about time I went back.

I'm majoring in Liberal Arts.

What job will I get with a degree in that?

I have no idea.

2011-12-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?!

Dazed and Confused;;

2011-12-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

I must have a thing for self destruction. I put myself in situations where I can not find the answers or the way out. Every time I try to evade a situation like that, I end up in another one. I can't avoid the mental mess I keep getting into.

John, my ex-boyfriend and father of my unborn child, is still living in my house. So, he's always around. This both aggravates and excites me. I want to hate him for hurting me the way he did. But, my heart wants to forgive him and let him hold me in his arms. I'm terrified of a future without him but I'm terrified of another heartbreak. It makes sense, doesn't it? He's cheated, lied, and broken promises. I used to never stand for that but here I am, nearly forgiving him.

Law, my friend from two years ago, has gotten in touch with me again. I'm starting to really like him. I don't know if it's real feelings or me on the rebound from John. He wants to be with me and I want to be fair to him. I care about him. I always have. But the romantic feelings, are they real? I don't know. He's a great guy. But, he's been hurt as much as I have been. I don't want to be another girl on his list of people who break his heart. He's too much of an amazing person for that. He knows I'm pregnant and knows I'm living with John still and he doesn't mind. He says he like me and wants me to be his.

Truth is, I've been thinking about saying yes. However, it's a long distance relationship and I don't have the best track record for those. The guy always disappears then reappears with a fiance. I don't think I could handle that again. I've been torn to bits enough. My heart can't take it anymore. It really can't. I'm waiting for true romance. Ya know? The whole being swept of my feet, slow dance in the rain, cuddling, playful, amazing kind of love you hear about in books. I want that. The more I try for it, the more impossible it seems to become. I want to find true love.

Also, Brina. I want to be her friend again... But, I don't know where to start. I guess I should text her and see how she's doing. Just say hello. See where it leads. I kind of miss her. I miss when she would come over for dinner and we would joke with the family and such. Chloe has taken her place for the last few months but it's not the same. Don't get me wrong, Chloe is my BEST friend. She completes my life more than any man ever will. She's amazing. She's funny. She's the girl every guy would love to have. [And some girls would feel the same... like me. lol] But Brina, she was different. Her personality worked so well with mine. I adored her.

So, yeah, I get myself into these interesting situations where I end up with more questions than answers. So I blog about them. Maybe someday someone will come across my blog and give me the answers I need. I'm so sick of hearing, "follow your heart," or, "Time will tell." It's like, ENOUGH with the cliches already! Geez.

Baby Names♥

2011-12-07T19:43:00.001-08:00

I have baby names picked out!
However, knowing me...
They'll change......
In a week. xD

Newest Members of the Family.

2011-12-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I adopted two adorable hamsters. One is gray with a white tummy. Her name is Roxy. Then the other is light brown with a white tummy. His name is Max. Unfortunately, Max and Roxy weren't getting along an hour ago so Roxy now has a scratch on her nose. =[ However, I've cleaned her up and made sure she was okay.

I luffs mah hamsters♥

Movie Night.

2011-12-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Pizza.
Movie.
Bob, John and myself.
Yup, shall be fun.
<3

It's Over.

2011-11-29T06:56:00.001-08:00

I'm done stressing. I'm done regretting. I'm done waiting for you to change. Because, it won't happen. I'm just done with you.

Defeating My Demons

2011-11-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. And by "written," I mean I haven't sat down and wrote a poem, story, song, or even a lengthy post in a long time. It's not that I have no inspiration. And, I definitely don't have writer's block. I just haven't given myself time to write.

Writing used to be my escape from the world. It used to be my way of venting when I had no one to talk to or no one that would really listen to what I was saying. I wrote about my fears, my goals, love, heartbreak, my past, my present, my future, and so much more. One thing that I used to write were letters. I used to write letters in a journal. One to each of my friends. The reason why I wrote them isn't a pretty picture to paint, but I wrote them to let them all know how much I love them and how much they truly mean to me.

When I was 17, I was depressed to the point I wanted to take my own life. I masked it pretty well. I kept a fake smile on my face when I was around friends and family. But, the moment I was alone, my facade crumbled and I was in tears. I cried myself to sleep almost every single night. It was really taking it's toll on me. So, I made a plan. I was going to end my life. That was it.

So, I bought a journal. I began writing letters to people that meant something to me. Some were rather lengthy letters too. I wrote about how sorry I was for leaving them, but this was my only option. I wrote how much I loved them and how they had changed my life. I wrote about how they kept me hanging on that long. I wrote down everything that was making me fall apart to explain.

The more I wrote, the more I realized these people meant way too much to me to just leave their lives. I owed them my life; why would I take it away? These were my best friends; my loved ones. I couldn't hurt them. I couldn't leave them wondering if they could have saved me. I could bring such pain to my family and friends. So, I got help.

I went to Spruce for help. I signed myself into the hospital and there I stayed. For a week I participated in single and group activities. I endured hours of therapy. I had to confront all the things I had blocked out of my mind for so long. They had released my demons. And then, I had to defeat them... one by one. After a week in the hospital I was released and sent home. I wasn't allowed back to school yet. I had to go to a school in the hospital and continue with my therapy for another week. After that, I was back at school with a therapist I saw once every two weeks.

Looking back now, I feel really silly for the feelings I had felt. People still say I did it for attention or I was faking it to get out of school. Truth is, I loved school. It got me away from my house. But, I wasn't faking it and it wasn't for attention. I hate when people say it's "just for attention." Because, 98% of the time, it's not for attention. If anyone reads this post and is going through the pain I went through. You'll be okay; everything always gets better. As cliche as that sounds; it does.

2011-10-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be a mother!

After being told I wasn't going to be able to have children of my own; I'm pregnant. John and I are excited, happy, shocked, nervous, etc. I'm estimating my due date to be either late June or early to mid-July.

For names, I've come up with the following:

Girls:
Rileigh Danielle
Raelynn Casey
Shyloh Leigh

Boys:
Ethan Michael
Aiden Lee
Bradyn Lee

I'm open for suggestions and ideas. :] Teehee.

Out for now,
soon to be mommy,
KayteeKhaos

2011-09-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

My heart. My love. My teddybear. My penguin. My angel. My everything.♥

Happy Birthday.

2011-09-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday today. I'm both excited and unphased by it. I'm saying goodbye to my teenage years. To whomever said those would be the best years of my life; you were wrong. They were terrible. I made stupid choices, I was stuck in a prison of a school, and I lost track of my life many times. Many, many times.

A new chapter of my life starts today. I say goodbye to the memories that haunt me; the choices I made. I'm looking forward to this new chapter. I've got an interview tomorrow for Target. I start college in January. I'm working toward a Business Management degree. I've got John and my friends by my side. I've got my adoring family. My life doesn't seem so bad anymore. I feel like I belong for once. I love that feeling.

Side note: Today is also my five month anniversary with my love. J.A.T.<3 Forever&Always.

20 years of life

2011-09-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

And I'm still pretty lost.

I'll be twenty years old on September 28th. I'm pretty excited. John and I plan on spending the day together [like we do every day together.] Maybe a dinner. Who knows. But, I'm excited.

Life is a fairytale. I couldn't be any happier.

Kaytee is going back to college! I'm going for a Business Management degree. I'm pretty stoked about that too. I miss school. I'm pretty tra la la about life. I'm getting my life back in order. I just need a job now. I'm getting closer to perfection. I'm happy.

I love my boyfriend; my amazing boyfriend. I love my family and my friends. Everything is good. <3

13 Days.

2011-07-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't have a chance to post a new entry yesterday, so here's one for you. Only 13 more days until my love is home. I miss him more and more each day that he's gone. In fact, it's screwing with my sleeping patterns. I can't sleep for more than two - four hours at a time. I stay up all night because my body doesn't want me to sleep. I miss when he would lay down and pull me to him so that my head was on his chest and I would fall asleep damn near instantly. I can't wait until he comes home. I'm planning something super special for him. :]

I love this man with everything I've got. He makes me really happy. And, when I say really happy, I mean dancing around for no reason, smiling all the time, butterflies in my tummy, all around good moods... yeah. Happy. Something I haven't been in a long time.

Now, other things and people I miss:

Casper, my darling friend. I miss her like crazy. I wish she didn't live in AL anymore. I wish she could be home now. Like... right now. And "home" is Pennsylvania. [Duh.] I miss our sleepovers and Guitar Hero sessions. I miss having fun with her. She was always able to make every day we hung out fun. Whether we walked to the pizza place for fries or we watched movies all night.

Shaun. I shouldn't miss him. He walked out of my life and never looked back. I don't expect him to ever realize how badly he hurt me or how badly he broke my heart. But, I miss him. Honestly, if he would just call or text me telling me he didn't want to speak to me again, and give a valid reason for it, I could let him walk away and I wouldn't hurt as badly. But.. he won't. I'll never hear from him again.

Brina, my "biffle." I know I walked out of her life. I know my reasons for doing so. I also know that I miss her like crazy. I know she's happy with her life. She's found her Prince Charming, her fairytale. And, I couldn't be happier for her. I see new pictures of her on Tumblr every once in a while and she gets even more beautiful each time. So does her smile. I still love that girl. She was and always will be one of the best friends I've had. I miss staying up late and doing random stuff. I miss going to the diner at two in the morning just for soup. I miss going on road trips just to clear our heads. I miss so much that I did with her.

Last but not least, I really miss Ian. Now, I know that sounds incredibly weird to those who know me. Now, when I say I miss him, I don't really miss him per say. I miss the conversations we had. They were never boring. Ever. He used to be a great friend. Now he hates me. Yeah, HE hates ME. It should be the other way around considering...

AND OHMYGOD. I just realized.... Shaun pulled an Ian.... o.O

15 days.

2011-07-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

God, I miss my boyfriend. Fifteen days until he's back home in my arms. Since he left [3 days ago] I've been have some crazy dreams. One sticks out. Now, I don't know if it's reoccurring but when I woke up, I had the feeling I had that dream before. Like, Deja Vu or something.

Anyway, in this dream, I had two sons. One was about 2. The other was a newborn. We were at my aunt's house. We were talking. My newborn kept crying, so I held him and cradled him. I was talking about how I missed my husband. He was away. Not sure why. But, I missed him and talked of nothing else. There was a knock at the door and in walked... my husband.

I woke up.

I was married to John, I had to sons, I was living at my aunts. What in the hell? My dreams are weird.

Anyway, it must be playing off the fact I miss him so much. I'm used to being around him constantly and right now, I don't get to see him at all. I feel so very lonely without him. I can't wait until he gets home. August 7th. Two weeks. Yeah. -sigh- I MISS HIM. D:

Until next time,
Cass<3

Fairytales aren't only in books.

2011-07-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

John Terry III && Kaytee Long.
Forever&&always<3
I love him with all my heart.

Photography.

2011-07-12T00:59:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I want to be a photographer. I've always loved taking photos. I loved my photography classes that I took in high school. So, why not make a career out of it? I just... need to figure out where to start. I guess I'll start by making a portfolio of my work. Then... I'm not so sure. I need to figure this out.

Love.

2011-01-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

It’s the one thing I want in life. Love. Real love. It’s something I’m longing for.

I want the boy that will wake me up with a kiss on the forehead. I want the guy who will tell me I’m beautiful, even when I think I look awful. I want a guy who will argue with me about who’s better at a video game. I want the guy who will put up with me at my worst because they know they’ll get to see me at my best. I want someone who will see my crying and know what to say, as well as when I’m happy.

I want to know what he’s thinking. Even if it’s which player he’d have on his fantasy team. I want to hear his goals in life, even silly ones like pantsing manicans at Hollister. [Which I havedone. ha!] I want him to listen to me when I have something to say or talk it out when he has something to say. I want the guy who will cry at sappy movies with me but will pretend it’s because he’s got something in his eye. I want the guy who will defend me against anyone, anything.

I want the guy who will hug me from behind. Who will tell me they love me, and mean it. Someone who knows what they want in life and won’t let anything stop them. I want someone who will help me forget about my past; someone to help me move forward. I want a man who will tell me his secrets, and keep mine. I want the guy who will hold my hand or kiss me randomly.

I don’t want flowers, chocolate, jewelry, or anything like that. I want a letter. One he’s written. His thoughts and feelings will be more than enough for me. I want someone who’s willing to sing at the top of their lungs with me, no matter how off key we are. I want someone who will dance with me, even if there’s no music. Someone willing to endure the storms and learn to dance in the rain.

No relationship is perfect. There will be arguements, fights, possibly someone sleeping on the couch. I want someone who will stand up for themselves and continue to argue even if they’re wrong, just to prove a point. Someone who will try to make me laugh when I just want to be mad. Yet at the same time, if I walk away mad, they’ll let me calm down. If I walk away sad, they’ll come after me.

I want the one guy I can give my all to, and have them do the same. I just want to fall in love. For real.♥

Late night conversations...

2010-12-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

UGH!

Rsndy messaged me on FB last night:
R: Hello
K: ...Hey
R: Are you mad at me?
K: No.
R: I'm sorry.
K: You did what you had to, to be happy.
R: I still care about you.
K: oh:\
R: What?
K: Your "wifey" wouldn't be too happy with you for saying that.
R: What she doesn't know wont hurt her
K: Is that what you had in mind when you date me AND her?
R: No. But talking to you now, brings back memories.
K: That's all ive had for the last three days. Memories. Every stupid song that comes on the fucking radio. Memories. Suck.
R: Do you love me?
K: -sigh- more than anything.
R: Me too. But you just wanna be friends.
K: You're DATING someone ELSE
R: I know. So we can only be friends.
K: That's the only option.
R: I guess
K: I dont know what you want me to say :(
R: Why you sad?
K: It's not that hard to figure out
R: I told you I still care
K: I get to be the best friend pretending to be content. I get to be the girl watching the one she wants love someone else. I told you I love you Randy.
R: Im sorry
K: Stop apologizing, you made your choice
R: I still love you though
R: Oh shit, wifys up gotta go

BAHHAIDIHJASDIj;asodjtfnhaevitibiohirtyioeibtw! >.<
-KayteeKhaos♥

Pretending.

2010-12-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

"Close your eyes Sweetheart, I'm there."
You try to ease my fears of loneliness.
Promising forever, swearing to change.

Staring into a broken mirror,
I see each imperfection.
A love song reduced to a line.
A smile erased from your face.

We're just pretending now.
A dance that could have never ended.
Now just a masqerade, masks made of lies.

Your words are like poison.
Dripping and burning my skin.
My tears fall.

A tale of love broken down to just a game.
Three words turn to one.
Goodbye.

Pretending to be okay.
As walls crumble, worlds collide.
Dreams shattered like broken glass,
slicing my skin.

Nothing left but scars.
Your name branded on the torn up pieces of my heart.
But as far as you know, I'm okay.
After all, I've perfected pretending...

Catching Up.

2010-12-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

It's about time I updated this damn thing. Let me catch you up. I moved out of my apartment and moved back home. Raven left Pa and is now back in Sc. Thank. God. He ended up being this abusive creep. I wish I woulda known. Could have saved myself a lot of tears and a lot of stress. But anyway, I live back with my mom and dad and my little sister. I work at Walmart now. Its kinda cool actually.

Also, I've met someone knew. Randy. He's 26, sweet, funny, cute, intelligent, loves movies, music, cuddling and cars. Aka: my type of guy. Here's the shocker: He lives in Pa. -le gasp- He's met my parents. My mom LOVES him haha. Dad is all "You're like me when I was your age this worries me a bit." But in all reality, he's nothing like Raven. He doesn't hit me, verbally abuse me, or threaten to leave me if I don't give him attention. Randy has a way of making me smile in a matter of seconds. Along with making me blush like crazy. He calls me beautiful. I adore him. :)

[[And he's brave enough to meet my dads part of the family... ON CHRISTMAS. You all remember my crazy aunts. Yeah. He likes me that much.]]

I dropped out of college. I'm not going back in January like I promised my family. I'm getting a lot of lectures about how if I don't go back now I'll never go back. Look, I'm not paying thousands of dollars just to take classes and not know what I wanna do. Why waste money? Let me figure out what I wanna be or what I wanna do. Then I will go back. I promise. Til then, BACK OFF.

Chloe's coming home in July for a week. She might stay with me. I feel incredibly happy about that. I can't wait to see her. I miss her more than words could even begin to explain. Screw hugs, imma tackle her ass when I see her. :P so Chloe, be prepared. Haha.

My Hannah Banana is preggers. There's gonna be another junior Amigop! :D I'm hoping for a little girl. I wanna buy princessy things. XD mostly cuz that would piss Hannah off. Haha. I'll also buy Hello Kitty. If its a boy, I'll buy Dinosaur stuff. Haha. Oh my God I'm excited. :)

That's all for now. I'll update again soon.<3

You make breaking hearts look so easy...

2010-05-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

Do you memorize theatrical lines
That seem to lead them in
Play the role with a good girl heart
Hide the tangled webs within

Who was it that lead you on
That makes you want to hurt me so?
Who do you want to forget?
Who forgot you long ago?

Do you still feel him
Calling in the air tonight?
Do you still feel it?
Seems like you've done this before

You make breaking hearts look so easy
Seems like you've done this before
You've got breaking hearts all but down
And you've done this, you've done this before

You make stealing hearts look so easy
Where is the girl I adore?
You've got breaking up all but down
And I can't love a thief anymore

Do you collect the souls you've lost
In the top of your dresser drawer?
Count the number of tears displaced
On lonely bedroom floors

A machine where your heart once was
Slowly takes the place of you
Only hold the memories now
Of a love I thought I knew

Do you still feel him
Calling in the air tonight?
Do you still feel it?
Seems like you've done this before

You make breaking hearts look so easy
Seems like you've done this before
You've got breaking hearts all but down
And you've done this, you've done this before

You make stealing hearts look so easy
Where is the girl I adore?
You've got breaking up all but down
And I can't love a thief anymore

You make breaking hearts look so easy
You've got breaking hearts all but down

You make breaking hearts look so easy
Seems like you've done this before
You've got breaking hearts all but down
And you've done this, you've done this before

The best you could hope to be
Is now just a bittersweet memory
And you make breaking hearts look so easy

So, yeah, I'm currently obsessed with this song. It's called Breaking by Anberlin. I heard it for the first time today while I was in Margaret's car. I don't know why, but, I've been drawn to some seriously emo music lately. o.o

Anywho, I'm off to bed. I just wanted to recommend that song to anyone who wants something new to listen to [or if you've heard of it already, I wanted to remind you of a good song.] Goodnight Blog world. ♥

Much love,

Kaytee Khaos ♥

Picture o' me!

2009-09-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

Nifty eh?

Good Thing We're Fools

2009-08-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

**note**
I did not write the following dialogue. It's by someone on deviantART and I just had to post it. Why? Because I love it. So all credit for it goes to "=Corina90" from deviantART.
**end note**

“I think I might love you.”
“I think that’s a stupid thing to say, why would you say something like that?”
“Because when you look at me my toes curl and my stomach flutters.”
“Is that a quote from a book?”
“No. I don’t think so. I don’t know. It all gets a little mixed up sometimes.”
“So you love me like they love in books.”
“Question or statement?”
“Your choice.”
“Question, then. And, yes. I love you like Scarlett loves Rhett, like Elizabeth loves Mr. Darcy, like-”
“Stop, just stop. Don’t love me like that. What happens after the last page?”
“We continue on loving like happily-ever-forever.”
“No, we’d drop off, we'd end. Love isn’t static, it doesn’t continue in a flat line. Who can carry the same tune for years? We rise, we fall, we bump arms and step on each other’s toes. I’ll annoy you because I can’t stand going to Christmas parties and you’ll piss me off because you take an hour to get ready to go grocery shopping. We aren’t a book.”
“So how would you like me to love you then?”
“I don’t. Didn’t I just say I’ll annoy you? You shouldn’t love me, it’s a poor life choice.”
“What if I said it was too late?”
“I’d say that’s a shame. But I’d also say that if you have to love me, love me like the moon. Love me when I’m cursing at the GPS because it took me to the-middle-of-nowhere when I clearly said to take me to California. Love me when I’m sitting in wrinkled jeans and a stained shirt that I Febreezed and called clean. Love me when I forgot what you said, forgot your birthday and remembered the stats of the last game. Love me when I wax, love me when I wane. Love me then.”
“Alright. And what about me? How will you love me?”
“I’ll love you like the tides. I’ll love you when you’re sitting in the middle of a million shoes complaining that none will work. I’ll love you when you forget to check the oil, forgot to fill the gas tank, forgot to roll up the windows when you parked. I’ll love you when you burn dinner, when you won’t get off the phone, when you cry at a movie you’ve seen twenty times before. I’ll love you during the low tides, during the high. I’ll love you then”
“And during which will you remember that love is a fool’s choice?”
“Oh, I’ll always remember. But I’m a fool. Remember?”